Groucho Marx Quotes

From his movies, books or interviews, Groucho Marx was
the most quotable comedian around..... until some others came around.
Many of these are his best and, of course, you've heard them before.
Enjoy them still.


I intend to live forever, or die trying.
Groucho Marx

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Groucho Marx

I must say I find television very educational.
The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library
and read a good book.
Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to
make an exception.
Groucho Marx

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes
of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from
7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America
if they started at 6:30.
Groucho Marx

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall
be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
Groucho Marx

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Groucho Marx

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or
unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be.
Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet.
I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
Groucho Marx

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London
when it's not raining.
Groucho Marx

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately.
Ring the nearest golf course.
Groucho Marx

I've got the brain of a four year old.
I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
Groucho Marx

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.
But this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Groucho Marx

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me,
because I'd like to hear it again.
Groucho Marx

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw
away the groom.
Groucho Marx

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City
in order to be unhappy.
Groucho Marx